A Mother’s Day – it is. Happy – it can be.

Mother’s Day has to be the most emotion-filled nationally recognized day of the year. Perhaps not for everyone. But, to me, it seems like it must be.

I’ve only personally celebrated 5 of these special days. Sure some of them were filled with delightfully handprinted cards and banana breakfasts in bed (orchestrated by my ever grateful and special husband).

But yet, of the five, one was spent rushing a 3 year old daughter to an ER and then a PICU from a copperhead bite.

Another one was spent alone in a quiet home with only the sobs of my grieving heart as my precious baby’s body passed from mine after a pregnancy that was far-too-short, but so greatly desired.

On this day for Mothers to be happy.

So many women long for the time to be able to celebrate this day. (“Can I stand with the other mothers in church if I’m still *only* pregnant?”)

So many women dread it. (“Do I stand with the other mothers in church if I’ve only ever been pregnant?”)

Some despise what it means for so many others – because their own mothers weren’t what they wanted.

Sometimes the emotional pain and dread I fear for this day makes me curl up in bed and not want to do anything. Even weeks before this Mother’s Day was due to arrive.

But, I wanna be real for a second here. Because, I’ve learned in the last 362 days since my Mother’s Day loss last year, that there aren’t too many women that still have a beautiful “innocence” of motherhood as I call it. For them, Mother’s Day isn’t just about sentimental gifts made in Kindergarten and a special day off from cooking.

How can you be happy when you have more children in Heaven than you have here?

How can you be happy when now, perhaps for the first time, you have children who are no longer here to feel your love for them?

How can you be happy when your heart’s desire is to change terry cloth onesies and diapers – but all you’re changing on Monday is fertility supplements?

How can you be happy when your older child has you (and your tears, your prayers, your love), but you’re not even sure if, on this day, they will want to call you their Mom?

These questions thunder deep in my heart these long afternoons. I see new photos of my sweet baby Kyle that I haven’t allowed my eyes or my heart to see, and I feel the sense of loss all over again. As if he was just taken from my arms this day. His tiny hand out of mine. The hope of his healing here on earth gone. The minutes he didn’t move felt like hours – and during each one the hope I had of his healing, of his being alive, drained from my heart. And the hours he didn’t move over that weekend turned to tears that carried that hope from my eyes to my hands.  And I sat there in a crowded shopping mall. Numbly making phone calls and arrangements for my girls while people around me had no idea of what I was carrying.  The new maternity sweater I had worn once the night before – the last time I had felt him move – had to be returned. But I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t even walk near the store. My heart was so much heavier than my womb.

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire is fulfilled, it is a tree of life.” 

Mary, the sister of Lazarus, who walked with the very person of God was sick with grief. Grief of lost expectations, a lost brother, a lost friend, lost hope.

And “When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled.” Not because He had lost a dear friend. But because He saw the hurt of sweet Mary. “Jesus wept.” Some around them even asked the hard questions.  “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man also have kept this man from dying?”

Jesus never rebuked them for their grief. He never rebuked them for their questions. In fact their grief moved him so much to weep himself. He feels our hurts. He hurts for us. He said this thing to Mary. “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?”

But perhaps that believing is the hardest thing yet.

Believing that God is in control. That God is indeed bigger than any of us. And our dreams. And our plans. And our desires.

My girls and I quote a verse often “For I know God can do ANYTHING…” 

but saying and believing are two different things entirely.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

A woman, who believes her baby will be born within the next nine months healthy and strong. She has hope. She has joy in believing.

A woman, who believes her family’s future is already planned in God’s mind. And His mind is set on Heaven, not on things on this Earth. Her family is just getting an early start there. She has hope. She has joy in believing.

A woman, who believes through the Spirit’s power, she can be a God-glorifying vessel to show God’s light to her own children, despite the past example she grew up with. She has hope. She has joy in believing.

A woman, who believes her heart and her future is tenderly held in God’s hands. And that because of that belief she can hope for the joy of children. She has hope. She has joy in believing.

A woman, who believes all little children are God’s children and can be her children. And loves them all.

She has hope. She has joy in believing.

God says, “Look to me. Watch what I can do.” (Micah 7:7)

Perhaps a Mother cannot solely be defined as a female who births a child. But instead, perhaps, as some explain, the definition is rather difficult to compose — “Because of the complexity and differences of a mother’s social, cultural, and religious definitions and roles, it is challenging to specify a universally acceptable definition for the term.”

So perhaps a woman, who loves a child playing in the backyard, or anyone’s backyard, or one who loves a child playing in Heaven, or one who loves a child that hasn’t been given – yet, or one who loves a child that no longer reciprocates that love can still be called Mother. And can still be happy on this day.

Because she believes, and hopes, and loves.

“But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.”

–Romans 15:13, I Corinthians 13:13

The Fairy Garden Party (budget style!)

Oh boy, was this party a beautiful day full of fairy wings, glitter pixie dust, and…..zoo animals.

Thanks to a new blog friend, Erin, I had several ideas to choose from for this party.  And thanks to our local zoo, I had all the entertainment I needed to keep the 3 and 4 year old fairies occupied!  But because not every one has access to the awesome zoo – here’s the party photos to keep everyone inspired.

So, I didn’t use my frappacino glasses for drinks this time. Just as vases for my dollar store silk flowers.

I didn’t have time to get helium in my balloons. So, a needle and some ($1.50) ribbon sewn through the tied part of the ($0.97/package) balloons made the perfect festive birthday garlands. Dollar store tablecloths that I layered for extra color effects and tied up in corners with ($2.50) rolls of tulle added to the girly magic.

Now, for the FOOOOOOOD!

These were chocolate chips, a little extra frosting from the cake, vanilla wafers, and hershey kisses.

These honey bees were downright awesome. Here’s the recipe I used.

Some cherry tomatoes cut in half and a couple of cheese sticks were all I needed to make these cute little edible mushrooms.

Hee hee. Funny story. The “caterpillar-snake-fruit-wands” were quite the adventure for my mom, my sister, and I. When I couldn’t find good looking watermelon to make the stars I wanted, we improvised with strawberries. Thinking, “caterpillars would be adorable!” They kinda ended up looking like snakes though. This is what they were supposed to be.

So kids’ parties are full of sugar as it is. So for my punch, I do 100% juice, in a “matching” color to my theme, and water it down with club soda. And give it a cool name. Like Pixie Punch.

These were the adult’s favorites for sure. This is the recipe I used for these.

Hee hee hee.

We had peanut butter and blackberry jam sandwiches and cheese sandwiches  - the birthday fairy’s favorites!

And now, time for the fairies to join us after their little walk through the zoo.

Boy were they excited!

The first stop was the Fairy dress-up station where the party goers got their wings and pixie dust.

This is where the magic happened for my little birthday fairy. She loved watching her little friends transform into magical fairy creatures.

Including herself!

Next the girls picked out their party food and enjoyed their lunch together.

Then the cake….

The tree trunk and tree top were rice crispy treats  molded into the correct shape, and covered in marshmallow fondant. The fairies are attached with simple floral stem wire I got at Hobby Lobby.

She’s not the best candle flame blower-outer. (I mean, really! This was only her fourth chance to practice!) So she got one candle. Big sis still had to help a little, much to the birthday fairy’s chagrin.

“No, Col-we. I’M gonna blow out the candle!”

“Now, I’m a princess fairy!” (but not until after having wings, a necklace, a tiara, and a red flower in her hair…)

– Special thanks to my lovely fairy queen mother and fairy sister for helping make this party such a super success.

It’s a good, Good Friday.

Because for us, we know that without this weekend of wonder and miracles, we’d never see our baby Kyle again. But I will. And it’s a cause for great excitement around our house this week.

From our family to yours, Happy Easter. He is risen. He is risen indeed.

- Thank you to Ann Voskamp for the wonderful Resurrection Garden idea.

It’s a Pizzeria!

Welcome back to Party Week here on KimzKitchen. I’ve had some parties in the archives to post about for awhile now, and thought I’d feature them all in the same week. I hope you’re not gaining as many pounds as I would be if I were really having all these parties in one week. If you’ve missed some of the fun, check out the Valentine’s party and the baby shower.

Next week will be some before and after photos of my January organizing project – that will be fun too, but parties are a great way to prequel that. So, this party, for my six year old budding chef, took place last October. It was SO FUN! All she wanted was to cook with her friends. This is what we came up with.

And truth be told, this was the simplest party ever. I mean, the kids made their own lunch, they played the games they wanted to, and they even filled their own treat bags. But shhhhh! Don’t tell any of the moms that showed up. They thought I did all that work!!

Every kiddo got their own apron (I used the apron Chloe already had as a pattern to cut out the fabric with pinking sheers (so no-sew!), then I quickly sewed on some red bias tape for the ties.

It took me about 75 minutes (and $8 worth of fabric) to make 12 of them.

Papa Murphy’s to the rescue – they provided these awesome pizza kits, already set up and ready to go for $3 a piece. And they gave me a “you’re-a-super-cool-person” discount, (or maybe it was a “you’re-about-to-have-12-kids-make-pizzas-at-your-house-and-we-feel-sorry-for-you” discount) so they were only about $2.40 a piece.

Why they were awesome – they came with sauce, cheese, and pepperoni all measured out, the dough already flattened, and on it’s own cooking tray. I <3 no dishes to wash!)

Chloe decided to take charge and give the kids directions on how to prepare their pizzas. She’s a good teacher.

While the pizzas were baking, the kids tried their hands at the Arcade “Room”. My husband built all these awesome silly games out of cardboard boxes.

The kids got tickets that they turned in later at the prize counter.

Thankfully, we had a lot of moms and aunts and uncles to help out.

Chloe’s Uncle gave the birthday girl a few extra tickets I believe. (I got these tickets at the dollar store – you can find them here, too.)

Once the pizzas were baked, it was time for lunch!

The kids having access to all-you-can-want parmesan cheese shakers (that I got for $1 a piece at Walmart) made the lunch quite the blast for them.

(See those glasses again? This could have also been called “100-uses-for-used-Frappacino-Bottles” week.

Chloe didn’t want a birthday cake this year – she’s not a huge sweets fan anyway. So when I suggested a Birthday Dessert Pizza, she jumped on the idea!

Next was prize table time. The kids used the bags that were at their spots at the table to put their prizes in. See? Filling their own treat bags. Hee hee hee.

The prizes were all dollar store finds that Chloe and I went shopping for the week before.  We selected things that were as brightly colored as we could.

Putting them in glass jars and trifle bowls and vases made them super visible (and I had all those glass things at home already.) The pinwheels were the biggest hit.

The birthday girl got a new bicycle (that she loves!) and a day spent cooking and playing with all of our family. I’d say it was a hit of a party!

A baby shower for my sister.

Seeing that it’s turning into Party Week here on KimzKitchen, I thought I’d feature a baby shower.

A few months back, my sweet little sister (the one with whom I share a bday, actually!) was pregnant with her first little boy. As hard as it was, I wanted to do a special shower for her. She was married pretty quick-like out of state with military obligations, so a wedding shower didn’t work out. So, this baby shower was a big deal for my other sister and I. It turned out pretty cute, I think.

Here’s a few photos from her day.

My mom, and my sister, and my nephew.

See, told ya I use these glasses for everything! These straws came from here.

(Super easy!) Doughnut Tower Instructions

Savory Mini Vegetable Quiche

Southern Grits Bar (Basics for Beginners Recipe coming soon)

Sunrise Punch

I was pretty nervous about gift-opening time. I still don’t do well with looking at baby boy clothes – and especially then, was absolutely terrified of watching this part of the shower.
Thankfully I was given a downright Heavenly idea of heading up a craft gift – which kept me supremely distracted, but also without being a distraction. 

Had to include this one – seeing little Kyle there ^ made me smile.

These little pirate faces will go perfectly in my nephew’s nautical nursery.

Everyone at the shower signed their own handprint pirate, so now my sister can remember the love shown to her that day.

I still have to send her the birth stats to put over on the side there…now that my house is organized, I should get on that.

A party day with my Valentines.

Valentine’s Day was going to be a pretty big day with a guest post going live on another blog, Kyle’s due date, and a plan for a big dinner night in with my husband that night.  I needed another distraction though. Well, maybe I didn’t. But I kinda did. And I love parties.

We started with a quiet breakfast. There’s just something about waking up to a decorated table that makes my girls excited. Well, that and drinking milk in martini glasses. Gotta love de-cluttering finds.

Heart Pancakes with strawberries – easy breakfast. *Whew!* Along with a handmade card from me, and roses from their daddy.

So, I’ve learned, if I want my girls to have a Valentine’s Party, I just have get to throw one.

Several gals from my church with little ones, and semi-big home schooled ones joined my girls and I for the “big” party at our church Thursday morning. (According to Chloe, breakfast was the “little” one.) It was a blast. But then anytime you have 13 kids from 2 months old all the way to 7 or so, it’s bound to be, right?

Starbucks frappacino bottles – these guys have been used for every party I’ve had in the past 2 years. I get my straws here.

What can I say? My girls are hopeless romantics.

We played a few games – “Make a giant stuffed animal pile relay” and “a Southern Snowball Fight”
(real creative names, huh?)

I can’t say enough about these paints – I LOVE them! They don’t drip, poison if eaten, stain if spilled, or make any sorta mess.

Make your own Valentine Mail Bags…

…Then fill them with Valentines for your friends.

Kyle’s Due Date

Today. Valentine’s Day.

I love my husband more than anything – so you think this post would be all about him. And I know that most likely Kyle wouldn’t have been born on his due date.

But I just can’t help but share his story again, today.

It just seems right.

Because the last roses I held I put on his grave.

So here it is. For me. For you. Kyle’s Story:

Good grief.

Sometimes I’m gathering up all my energy to cook a meal. Or sometimes I’m walking through a crowded IKEA store. Sometimes it’s at the park with my girls.

I never know when I’ll see something that will trigger memories of Kyle, or worse, my memories of my dreams of Kyle.

Sometimes I feel like it never happened – that it was all a bad dream – and that now I’m awake and I should go do dishes. Then, I open my freezer and bags of frozen breast milk fall out that I’m holding for a friend.

Kyle’s milk. it says, on the name line.

Then there’s those wretched anniversaries. For the one month anniversary, I was home for several days by myself – my husband was visiting his dying grandfather in Florida. He desperately didn’t want to leave, but I thought I’d be ok.

It’s incredible the things that go through your mind, the moments you relive, all because of silly numbers on a clock or on a calendar!

Every. Single. Memory. It all came back as if I were looking on again while it happened. I felt contractions. I remembered that blessed morphine dose I got to give me a break from the pain for an hour or two so I could get a visit from my girls. I remembered my sweet sister’s laboring over photos – that I still can’t look at. I remembered the tears that were shed by nurses on my behalf behind curtains and closed doors. I remembered holding him. And around the time he was born in my arms, 1:30 AM, I finally let myself fall asleep. Then when I woke up, I just wanted that moment – that awful moment – when I passed on his little body to the funeral home man to come and go quickly.

I had made plans with a good friend visiting from China to meet us at the park that day. Hoping it would keep me from being in terrible despair in my room all day. But, honestly, I didn’t feel like doing anything. Thankfully, my girls are very self-sustaining. They were completely happy to find a movie and their two favorite boxes of cereal.  I heard them talking… “Mommy’s still sad today, Kami. I’ll just get you breakfast today.” “OK! Col-we! Let’s just watch a movie!” “Kami, I can’t find any bowls. We’ll just have to eat the cereal like this, ok?”

Later that morning, Chloe came in and checked on me. I told her, “Chloe, Mommy’s gonna be really sad today. It’s Kyle’s one month day. But he’s not here to have a little party for him. So I just miss him.”

She gave me the prettiest smile and said, “Oh mom, how about we have a baby Kyle picnic, then, at the park? We can have a picnic and play and run. It can be a baby Kyle party.”

While that would probably get most mama’s hearts and turn them around for the better, I was beyond easy convincing at this point. “But, Chloe, Kyle won’t be there.”

Apparently, Chloe was beyond easy convincing too. “But Mom. It’s OK. It’s just a celebration. For Kyle. Cause he’s in Heaven. So it can still be good. And here….”
(She ran to the kitchen and grabbed some blue daisies another friend and delivered to my house the day before and brought them into my room.) “….we can just take these to him today at his flower place.”

My daughter is a genius. The other title for this post was going to be “(Not so much) Like Mother, Like Daughter.”

Chloe proceeded to make a picnic lunch. She’s quite the inventive cook. Peanut butter and rotisserie chicken sandwiches with lettuce? Hmm…..hey. At least they were triple deckers. This was one family outing I was happy to be on a diet.

Seeing those smiles and yogurt mustaches was just what I needed. It got my mind off the ticking minutes. And got my mind on what I had right in front of me. Two beautiful gifts I’ll never deserve. And sometimes I think they’re angels. I guess I’ve been blessed with a lot of angels.

Chloe even got a hopscotch lesson. And a spanish lesson. And a quarter.

Then it was off to what we call the “Flower Place”. Where in the place of harsh, cruel, death, even in January, new grass was growing. And I felt like it was somehow a picture of my heart. I was feeling a little bit of healing. A little bit of growth. And it had all been watered by my never ending flow of tears. Without those tears, without that death, that grass wouldn’t be there. And my heart would never have grown to a place where it would be able to feel like it does now.

So, while in the depths of difficult hard grief, I’m learning that even when I go through deep waters, God will be with me. When I go through rivers of difficulty, I will not drown. When I walk through the fire of oppression, I will not be burned up; the flames will not consume me – because God is my God.  So, my grief, while mostly terrible – is sometimes good.

 – Isaiah 43:2,3

Happy Birthday, “Sam”

January 26, 2012 was a holy day for me. A day where I held both life and death.

A day where I truly understood what life meant to me.

And a day where I truly understood death.

And while today I go about making craigslist deliveries, buying stamps, working out, fixing broken hairbows, cleaning bathrooms, cooking dinner, and all the other things Moms do on Saturdays if they’re lucky enough to have a dad home to help out, my heart grieves for my losses.

But, I also think about my gifts. I’ll take my 3 year old gift out with me today to teach her a few things about the post office. I’ll read on the couch with my 6 year old – actually, she’ll probably read to me. That’s two gifts right there.

Because, while January 26th was the most awful day of my life (thus far), it grew something beautiful in my heart – a desire to count my gifts. And that day, the first gift I counted, was one I gave to God.

Happy Birthday, little Sam. Sesame Sam as we called you. Celebrate big. Because I don’t think anything Happy in Heaven is small.

 

Working through emotions and washing out closet baseboards

Yeah. Most of my closet baseboards are clean now. It’s funny, I started deep cleaning/organizing my house from one side to the other. But now that I’m officially half way to being finished, the “other” side is looking rather terrible. It’s like a giant mudslide. As I work from one side of the house to the other, things slowly end up piling up on the other end. But despite the impending doom that seems to be upon the “other” side’s outside walls, there have been quite a few happy moments around here in the last few days….

I’m learning that the best method is the one of sheer determination. So, I’ve taken everything out of one place and put it on a blanket in a central location. For instance – when I worked on the kitchen, I took everything out of the kitchen cabinets and put it all on a blanket on the kitchen table. Then, I put back everything I needed. Then, I dumped the blanket (and all that was left – I mean, really, who needs three 9×13 pyrex dishes??!) into my yardsale box.  Too bad I don’t have a photo of the mountain that was on my table. Whoever comes to my yard sale is gonna think they’ve hit the jackpot. From Pampered Chef cheese knives to microwave steamers, they’ll walk away with their $0.50 treasures, and I’ll think “Hee hee hee – they’re about to fill their kitchen with stuff a semi-professional caterer didn’t even use. Have fun finding a space for that.”

After I cleaned things out, before I put them back, I did a bit of cleaning. Under my fridge. Do you have any idea what happens under your fridge? I didn’t. Now I do. Never again will I let it go on and on for five years (yeah, that’s an admission). Here’s what it looked like.

Then, I swept.

Still gross. So I pulled out my wonder mop. Well, actually, it’s a Eureka Steam Mop. (Which, I must point out, is currently $49 – which is 38% off the regular price of $79 on amazon right now, with free shipping. So if you have hardwood/laminate floors, go get one.) But it’s wonderful. And it wonderfully works wonders with water while I work.

*Pauses briefly to bow to high school English teacher who loved aliteration*.

Basically it only uses water, plugs in, produces steam that’s so hot it not only cleans, but it also sanitizes. I didn’t even scrub this five years of neglect away. All I did was set that wonderful water worker wonder on top of sticky stuff and let the steam do it’s work.

Awesome, right?  Then all I have to do is take one of the two washable pads that comes with it, throw it in the washer, and attach it right back when I’m finished.

And it’s so clean that, theoretically, you can eat off of it. I didn’t try. But if we ever have any bug visitors, at least now they won’t get sick taking away the crumbs from under my fridge. (Thankfully, we have a bug man – so, no worries, we don’t get bugs.) Now that you’re totally grossed out for the rest of the day, let’s move on….  

I have a large open kitchen space. But not a lot of drawers. In fact, there are only two small drawers in my kitchen. One holds my silverware. The other is prime real estate. But so is some of my cabinets. And my 32 jars of spices were taking up too many of those cabinets. Yep. Thirty-two. And none of them are expired. Because I use them all all the time. Along with the 9 extracts. Nine.

So until I get my laundry room/pantry painted and fixed up just like I want it, this is my temporary solution. And it’s worked wonderfully. So worth my one drawer.

So now, I’m on to the task I’ve been dreading – the girls’ clothes. I’m thinking they don’t need enough shirts to dress them for three weeks. Especially considering that they only wanna wear their three princess dresses anyway. So, I’m simplifying, de-cluttering, driving my husband crazy with the current disarray, etc. But in all of this, I’m keeping my mind busy, and for this week, and last, and the next, this is really good for me.

Meanwhile, back to my kids….