Yes! It really is! I love it when I’m right. I mean, I know I had a 50/50 chance. But who’s counting at this point?
Our little sweet baby has had a name for about a month now…but because of some “nonvisible” tbings on the ultrasounds, we weren’t sure enough to make the official announcement. Even now, we could still be wrong. But Kyle can easily become Kylie. Or Callie. Or Kylynn if it needs to. And I’ve slipped up and said his name too many times this week to keep it quiet any longer.
This week’s ultrasound was a complete 180 degrees from the week before. Not in little Kyle’s condition (Sigh. I just love calling him by his name out loud now!). But in what we got to look at. My super sweet ultrasound technician, whom I’ll call “J” for now, spent a couple of hours on our last Level II anatomy scan and the following report – which wasn’t a short easy one by any means. This lovely lady decided to give me a wonderful gift. Basically it was a “let’s look at everything that’s right today”. And we did. I saw his eyeballs roll around inside his head underneath his still-fused eyelids. He did it every time he put his right hand in his mouth. I can’t wait to kiss that tiny little hand. It must be yummy. My eyes only roll back in my head like that when I’m eating chocolate.
I saw his left leg move all over the place. It’s one thing to feel your baby. It’s another to feel it while you’re watching it move. I’m astounded every week that God chose me to be (potentially) the only person to hold this baby alive. I don’t take a single feeling for granted. Sometimes I can tell you at the end of the day exactly how many times I’ve felt him. And how long its been since that I haven’t. I saw his right leg move at the hip – he has a hard time with his right knee. So, most of those kicks are come from the other one. But, when he stretches out – wow – he’s a cutie.
I saw his heart. Only half of what you and I have. And on the right side of his chest instead of the left. But there was inflow and outflow still. And it was beating still. So, we got another day. Another whole week of days. And I sure did love every one of them.
Dear Baby Kyle, my sweet Little One,
Bonus Week 10? You have held on for so long. And I’m such a proud Mama. This week has been another tough one for me. I think, knowing that legally in my state, I can still choose to end this trial at any time – up until Thursday of this week, when I’m 24 weeks – has plagued my mind with so many doubts. Why should I keep myself under this pain – the pain of knowing what lies ahead? From the looks of things you are not suffering. But what if you are? What kind of a mother would continue such suffering when the alternative is Heaven? But then, can I put myself in the place of God and make decisions on your life? I can’t. Some can, and I will never judge such a woman who chooses to send her baby to Heaven sooner than mine gets there on his own. But I just can’t. Honestly, the reason? I’m selfish. I want you here with me as long as I can have you. The only thing I’ve been able to cling to this week is James 1 – remaining under the trial produces patience, among other things. When God is ready for us to have a reprieve from this trial and move on to the next one, I pray I’ll have some of that patience. I’m gonna need some to keep going in the dark days ahead without you.
I played with lots of baby boys this week. I couldn’t help but think about how you’re going to play with your own two little siblings in Heaven so very soon. And how the tears in Heaven that will have to get wiped away from my eyes will be the ones of joy when I see you in your perfect body for the first time – with them.
There’s only one way to look at the latest reports. The words only had to be written once for me to understand. Three times was definitely sufficient.
But what can I say? You’re still here now. And for now, I’m holding you, feeling you, loving you, and hoping for you – hoping just for those few moments of eyes to gaze into. I know it won’t be long – if I even get it at all. But there’s a 10% chance of that – your being born alive. And that’s twice as big as 5% – the 5% that you’d be born healthy and alive. And I’ll take it.
Your sister turned 6 this week. Wowzers – she’s getting big and beautiful.
And your other sister? Well, she’s just a perfect textbook three year old. I’ll leave it at that. 🙂
I must go for now. But know this, Baby Kyle, I’ll see you tomorrow, and
I love you, and I always will.
(Pregnancy Journal update coming next week.)