I had such a different post planned for today. But just as I was thinking I could get comfortable for the next few weeks, my faith and heart are being shaken again.
How far along? 31 weeks, 4 days.
Total weight gain/loss: + 26 lbs
Maternity clothes? I bought a new sweater this week. But I’ll admit, I haven’t taken the tags off.
Sleep: MUCH better. I’m so thankful for antibiotics.
Best moment this week: Swallowing with no pain. And seeing my sister who drove up from Georgia just to hang out for a weekend. And Chloe’s Christmas recital. And seeing the Keith and Kristyn Getty concert – it was just as powerful and worshipful as last year. And just what Chris and I needed.
Movement: Not in the last 24 hours. I’m extremely nervous about this honestly.
Food cravings: Not really.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope. I’m definitely feeling much much better. Thanks to all the friends and family who generously and graciously helped out so much.
Have you started to show yet: Yep – but I’m kinda glad I’m still small enough that strangers aren’t always asking questions.
Predictions: Man Child.
Labor Signs: Nope.
Belly Button in or out? IN
Wedding rings on or off? Still on the “big” hand.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Nervous.
Weekly Wisdom: Grieving parents couldn’t care less about gun rights and abortion stats.
Milestones: 1 pound, 5 ounces. Same as last week.
Exercise: Nope, but I’m not really on bedrest anymore from being sick. I’m so thankful for healing!
Weekly Prayer Request: The last time I saw Kyle was a few days ago. My favorite ultrasound technician girls (J & V! :), were not available. So I had another one I’ve only seen a couple of times. As nice as she was, I was only given about 4 minutes or so to see Kyle. And since I only saw his face for a few brief seconds (the other minutes were spent on his heart and the placenta/umbilical cord blood flow), no photos. (All of these photos are from previous ultrasounds.) In her defense, I think they were really busy that day. I don’t think she knew my full situation. And I think I’ve been royally
blessed spoiled with my hour+ scans every week with J and V, along with the 3D images that J manages to make look like a professionally photoshopped photo that’s worthy of the latest baby magazine!
They also seem to have a hard time getting a measurement on Kyle. I can’t blame them, though – the normal markers they use to determine their best estimate of a baby’s weight and size are definitely either nonexistent in our baby or they’re in a strange place. Basically this amounts to our recording the same measurement that we had last week.
So, while I’m trying not to put too much stock in their measurement – my doctor did. So, this means that in nine days, no measurable growth was recorded. His heart rate being in the 140’s was good. We didn’t get any ideas at all of his movement – just because of the length of the ultrasound. But the lack of growth was gravely concerning to my doctor. To the point that he put me on high alert for preeclampsia setting in.
While all of the preeclampsia signs seem to be nonexistent at this point, I haven’t felt Kyle move in almost 24 hours now. And I’m struggling.
Thinking that perhaps that one quick moment that I saw his face Thursday was indeed my last. That those 2.5 seconds I heard his heartbeat were the last sounds I’ll hear from him. That perhaps he won’t have his first Christmas after all.
I’m thinking that while I have sincerely appreciated every moment of life we’ve been given from God, I’m just not ready for it to be done yet.
You hear, that, little guy?
I’m not ready. Sure the plans are in place now. The hospitals are informed. The doctors are ready. (Even though this week, my delivering doctor is actually in NYC.) Your basket of gifts is packed and ready. Your ornament is on the tree.
Your Christmas gifts have been picked out. I guess I can show them a little early.
It was the highlight of our week a few weeks back. After our advent meditating that night, we spent an hour or so picking out a gift for you. Well, for some other kids. Other kids who won’t have the blessings that you have. And you’re not even here yet. They are. And they’re healthy. Until they drink the only water available to them. Or until they catch malaria because they don’t have mosquito nets. Or until they are born and their mothers don’t know how to take care of them. Because their own mothers could barely keep them alive when they were growing up. And while we can’t fix you, we can help them.
So, partnering with Compassion International, we picked out a few gifts. For you. And for them.
Kami just wanted to give them food. So, beans and rice it is. For a malnourished child.
Then she decided to go ahead and make them a meal.
Chloe did not surprise and picked out a playground. She wanted the boys and girls to have a playground like she has at all her parks around town. She saw the kids in Uganda and how much they loved theirs.
One day, I hope to travel on a Compassion International trip to personally help some of these expecting mothers. To touch their sweet babies and to give them the few things that could help save their baby’s life. Some education about nutrition, some food, some love. I can’t save you. But I can help save them.
Without you, I wouldn’t have this intense desire to save a baby’s life.
Maybe because of you, one day, I can.
I love you sweet boy. And while I hope I’ll have a few more letters to write to you publicly like this, I’m aware it could be one of the last.
I’ll see you tomorrow. Until then, know that I love you, and I always will.