(If you haven’t yet read Part 1 of this story, you definitely should before continuing on here.)
Fast forward a few more weeks. Our little Kyle was born – backwards in a way – first into Heaven on December 17th, then to us two days later.
He was here. Then he was gone. (Wow. Even now it takes me half hours and buckets of tears to type those seven words.)
31 weeks. 220 days of us. And within 14 hours of birthing him myself, it was over. Fourteen hours. Most moms haven’t even posted more than one picture on facebook at 14 hours. And I already had the 430 photos I would ever have of him. Most don’t have their first video. I would never have a first video. Time is so relevant. But always so vapor quick.
16 hours after he was born, I was driving home. Empty armed and broken hearted. 36 hours after he was born, I was handing over a check for his casket. 38 hours after he was born, I was signing cemetery papers.
A few weeks later it was his due date. February 14th. That was the day my friend, the one whose baby was doing fantastic, decided to watch the video we had made. After watching it with her husband, she sent me the following note….
I have so enjoyed getting to know you on FB and email and during the past few months with our pregnancy updates going back and forth and sometimes even up and down yet always in the Lord’s hands for our good and His glory.
Eric and I have decided on a name for our baby boy and I’d like to ask for your blessing on it.
We would like to name our baby Nathanael.
Spelled a bit differently than your Kyle’s middle name but meant to honor him and your family just the same.
We have known for some time that we have a baby boy on the way and have struggled with naming this baby in a way that we have not experienced in the past with our other children. It was always some name I liked but not Eric or a name Eric liked but not me. We just could not get under agreement and did not feel any particular leading from the Lord.
Until we sat together to watch Kyle’s video on Valentine’s Day.
When Chris describes the meaning of Nathanael as a gift straight from– and straight back to— God… I knew it was the name.
Eric opened his bible and we began to read about Nathanael and it became clear and confirmed for us… and we rejoiced that this was chosen for your Kyle, too. Even Jesus said of him, “Behold an Israelite indeed, in whom is no guile!” Wow!! Jesus found nothing wrong with him??? No guile?? And that is the case for your Kyle and our baby… they have been and are—- perfectly made —– as they are, as they were.
We give each child a “life verse” when they are born that we pray over them and have them learn. We plan to give our Nathanael the verse of Luke 1:46-47, “My soul doth magnify the Lord, and my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Saviour.” As you probably know, it is at the closing of Kyle’s video.
I hope I am not being offensive in anyway or overbearing in approaching you about this. I care about you and pray you would be glad and rejoice in the Lord with us.
For the Glory of His Name,
I didn’t know what to think. I just sat on my bed, where I had done my last email check for the night, and as tears came down my face, I thought….
See, I hadn’t held a baby since October of 2011. Not since my first pregnancy. Since this was going on my 15th month being pregnant….I hadn’t held a baby in over a year. I said to Chris, in a moment of pure untainted excitement…. “I think I wanna hold this one.”
My sister was pregnant with a boy. He was born a few days after Kyle’s Memorial Service back in early January. I hadn’t even met him yet.
Every woman in my church was having a boy. (Well, not every woman – it just seemed like it. If they had a big belly, there was a baby boy inside.)
But because of my grief, my human heart, and my own brokenness, I couldn’t look at them with joy. Again, it wasn’t a jealousy thing – it was just a blazen reminder of what I had in another place – but not in my arms. I’d look and think, “Here they are two and half weeks after their little boy was born. My that’s such an incredibly long time. I had minutes….hours….not even a day. Do they truly know what they have?” I was overwhelmed with the illogicalness of it all and the hurt of it all and just plain avoided all things nursery and baby for several months. And it hurt me to not be able to show love and excitement for those around me that I loved. But I just couldn’t.
So for me to read that note, and for my broken, grieving heart to say, “I think I wanna hold this one.” was a big deal. A huge sigh of relief. My next words were….. “Finally! A little boy I can be genuinely excited about.”
And boy was I.
Welcome to July – the month of goodnesses. I just have so many to share. This story will be completed in my next post. Thank you for sharing in my sorrows and in my joys. It means the world to me.
PS – Jump here if you just can’t wait for part three. 🙂