Hope in the dark |Day 8

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{So this post has nothing to do with Philadelphia really. But my heart. And it’s growth. And my heart right now lives in Philadelphia. So I guess it fits? While I tend to stay away from trending topics, this one hasn’t left my mind since I first read of Brittany’s story. While I would never feel qualified to offer advice to Brittany personally or cast judgement or opinions privately, I hope that others who read here who also face difficult circumstances will be able to grasp the true heart behind my words. There is always hope. Sometimes there isn’t much else. But with God, there is always hope. Always. )

Today, my heart has been so heavy with my own small inconsequential hardships. No dishwasher. Dealing with old pipes (for the 5th time in two weeks). Missing my friends.  Homeschooling another year with a child suffering with a severe auditory processing disorder.

Then I read about a gorgeous young woman named Brittany. Who has it way worse than I ever have. Yes, my husband had a massive brain tumor. But no, it wasn’t cancer.

Then I read about another gorgeous young woman named Kara. Who has brain cancer as well. And four small children.

And hope.

 

See, in a weird, distant way, I get Brittany’s thoughts. She’s choosing for herself to end her own life, when she can, November 1st actually, in a way that seems peaceful to her.  She’s doing this to avoid the horrors that the end of stage 4 brain cancer will bring her.

 

I sorta get it. Because I had to choose that as well. Not for myself, but for sweet little Kyle.  We were told that should he survive delivery, he would die hours, minutes later. And his death would not be comfortable at all.  If we chose to continue his life, we also had to choose what to do in that situation. Whether to feed him or not feed him. Either one would lead to his death. We could also choose to end his life, in utero, while he was comfortable. He would know only love. And never experience pain. And while that would be excruciatingly painful for me and would follow me to my grave, it was my way of taking the place of my son. Taking his pain on in order to spare him.  Choosing his comfort in the present over the unknown suffering of his future.

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And while I don’t truly get what Brittany’s going through at all, I can’t get these thoughts out of my head today. As my husband and I sat in silence and watched her video last night, all I could say was,

“But. God.”

 

Because in the midst of our choices for our Kyle, that was the thing that kept us from choosing “death with dignity” for him. Sure, that would be certain. And at that time in our lives, the unknown was so big and large and scary, that anything certain was comforting. Even a death date.

 

But while my fear was larger than a mountain, I knew that God would be there in that scary dark place when the time came. He had to be.

I remember a conversation I had with my sister a few days before my son’s death. “Are you scared?” she asked.

“Yeah, I’m scared. I’m scared I’ll stop believing. I have to believe that God is with me. If I don’t, I’ll lose it. I’ll lose everything. That’s all I have.” I answered.

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So if dear Brittany does not know God, I get it. She has nothing else. And going into that unknown on her own would be unbearable.  It was hard enough for me to do it with my Kyle. I couldn’t do it with myself. I’ll never judge her. Or look down on her for this decision. It could seem to be her only option. But if only Brittany could see the love of all those who are desperately wanting her to stay as long as God would allow. It’s there.  And perhaps “allowing us to care for those that are dying is a greater gift than believing your suffering is a burden we shouldn’t bear.” (Rob Kirkpatrick, friend of Kara)

Kara prayed for her today. And I prayed for her today. Sitting on the couch; when I was washing the dishes (I forgot how upset I was yesterday about not having a dishwasher), wiping up puddles of water under the sink and wiping tears out of my own eyes, I prayed for Brittany. That God would find her so she could know Him. So she would have hope.

joy

 

 

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About Kim

I am a sinner, miraculously saved by grace, living by faith, and pressing toward the mark of being more like Christ. I absolutely love being a stay-at-home mom! I'm also a caterer for a few weddings throughout the year, a baker, and a party planner. And I love to play in other people's kitchens as well as my own! My husband, Chris, just finished his studies for his MA degree in Pastoral Studies. He's a wonderful (and super smart!) daddy - and the most loving and supportive husband. My two beautiful daughters, Chloe and Kami, are the joys of our lives! We pray that they both would be greatly used of the Lord. Throughout their short time here on earth, we have learned so much about ourselves, our God, and the gratefulness we have towards our own parents, who raised us in the ways of God's Word. Our third unborn child is a blessing as well - even after its recent pre-diagnosis of Trisomy 18, or Edwards Syndrome. This blog has kinda turned into a little journal of sorts of our dark journey down this rather uncommon road. I stay busy cooking, cleaning, gardening, and raising the plants I killed back to life, and homeschooling. I blog when get the chance. :) We are always happy to have visitors, so please stop by anytime! Although, if you do give us a call first, we'll make sure to have some fresh cookies and sweet tea available when you arrive!

12 responses »

  1. Kim, Amazing! Thank you for keeping me up to date on things that really matter since so many times (like today) I only know about what’s going on if it happens outside my kitchen window. Praying for this situation and hope to keep updated.
    Suzanne

  2. Beautiful post, so tender and raw. My heart goes out to you about your son. And your thoughts and prayers for Brittany (she has so many praying for her, thank God) are especially poignant considering all you and your family has been through. Thank you for sharing yourself so powerfully.

  3. Beautiful post. Hope is a powerful thing – we serve a mighty God. My heart breaks for you for your son and for Brittany. But we rejoice in the Truth. May God bless you, and thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

  4. I read the Kara and Brittany story last night and cried. I read your story now and I’m crying. With so much pain in the world, what do we have other than a faithful Father and Jesus to get us through all this stuff. Stuff happens but surely Jesus is enough. Praying for all of you.

    • I completely agree, Ali. Only Jesus is enough and the only way we can make it through our more than enoughs! is through Him. Thanks for your prayers. ❤

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