About the size of a large apple little.
I’ve been trying to hold it in. Literally. *snicker* But it’s not sucking in so well anymore.
So here we have it. We are expecting a baby. And while we shared the news with our friends and family this week I’m as terrified as I ever was. Maybe even more so. But more on that later.
For now, though, I have to tell you about the one day I’ve dreamed of ever since we learned of our sweet Kyle’s existence. The day that I felt had been ripped from my dreams once we learned of his diagnosis.
The day I’d tell the girls we are going to have a baby.
Kyle’s absence is still felt every single day around here. The girls wish for him to be here on their birthdays. They pray for him to get a day to visit us. His little “heart beep” bear goes off all the time reminding us that he was with us 26 1/2 months ago.
So when we learned of this pregnancy, Chris and I were extremely cautious. And, while I knew I was pregnant before my tests were positive, I took 5 tests over a week’s time to just to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. We both wanted it – but I was terrified. Not so much of what could happen – I feel like we’ve lived the worst of the worst of many things already. And when you do that, you kinda have this sense of reckless abandon to everything else. I feel in many ways two of my family members have cheated death – Chris with his brain tumor, Chloe with her copperhead bite – so aren’t we all pretty much in bonus time?
And now, with Kyle and our other two babies in Heaven, there’s almost as many of us there as there is here – and that knowledge keeps the idea of death and eternity much less intimidating.
So, I drive around the White House at 6 PM on the same night as the State of the Union Address. Because of that reckless abandon.
Then I decide next time I’ll take the Metro. 🙂
Back to that day though. That cold, but not as cold, day in early February – right after we had our second ultrasound to confirm that things were in fact OK thus far. We decided to take the girls to one of our favorite parks about an hour away.
A place like our hearts – cold with ice-fear. But signs of life popping up in the tiniest of places.
We spent an hour or so walking around, exploring the outdoors in the winter with it’s beauty frozen over.
Ironic how even in this time of fear for us, there is beauty showing through. Feeling baby kicking at 11 weeks. That’s about as unheard of as someone getting an ultrasound machine to use whenever they want! Or having the closest of friends speak warm words of truth to your soul when it’s so frozen over with that ice-fear. Not everyone has those either. I’m blessed. Not because I have a baby. I’ve learned you don’t have to have a baby to be blessed. But I’m blessed because I can live a day – with or without a baby – and see beauty in the ice. And I have friends warm my cold heart on its bad days. And I have hope. It’s been a long time since I’ve had that hope. That only comes from trusting in the One who is strong enough to give it to a cold heart like mine.
Towards the end of our journey through the park – the end mostly because it was getting colder and colder – we sat down with the girls and told them the surprise we had been so excited to share. (If you want to see their reaction, feel free to watch the video below. I promise they don’t disappoint. 🙂 )
And Kami. My sweet sweet one, didn’t miss a moment. Her words? “Oh mommy. I knew it would work when I prayed. I just knew it would!” This was her dream day too.
So here we are. In love again. Head over heels in love and surrounded by fear. But our love is slowly overtaking our fear. Our love for each other and for this new little one who has already joined our family.
For those interested – here’s what the girls thought when we told them. And thanks for sticking with us. I’m hoping for a happy ending for all of us.