The other day I was driving. And, I was randomly in tears at the steering wheel. Not sure why, but I was. My compassionate girls were concerned. So I assured them nothing was wrong – then proceeded with a conversation that went something like this:
“Girls, I’m fine. I promise!”
Kami: “But mom? You’re crying!”
“Well, yeah. But I’m ok really. Maybe we should talk about hormones.”
Chloe: “HORMONES? What is that?”
“Well, it’s this thing you get when you’re pregnant. Well, you have them all the time, but you have lots of extras when you’re pregnant. They are really good because they keep the baby healthy. But because there’s so many, they can make you cry sometimes when you aren’t even sad! Or you can feel angry when nobody did anything to you!”
Kami: “Oh I hope I don’t ever get those. That sounds awful.”
“I kinda is. But it’s all good. So right now, I’m not sad about anything or angry at anyone. I’m just having extra hormones that make my body do weird things. It’s all good. The extras will go away when I have the baby.”
Chloe: “I think I have those hormone things. I have the disgust ones. That’s why I’m such a picky eater.”
I travelled to Columbia, South Carolina last weekend and ended up coming back with this from a dear friend who has been present right after the births of all three of my kids. So happy we met them way back when our family’s journey in West Virginia started ten years ago. However, I’d been really worrying about how I was going to get this stroller and car seat back to my place in Philadelphia. I travel super light and never pay for or lug around checked bags, so I wasn’t sure what to do about this. But my friend convinced me to just go for it at the airport and see what happened. Traveling with kids gets you free checked stroller and car seats. But I didn’t really have a kid with me.
Well, one that was visible.
Well, one that was really obviously visible, I guess. :)
I did think trying to gate check this in South Carolina would yield better results than the Philadelphia airport… If it didn’t work though, I’d end up paying $60 in checked bag fees. So I was really hoping to save that $$$. :) My equally frugal friend who gave it to me was on call to come grab it from the airport if they gave me a hard time. But I really wanted this stroller to get back to Philadelphia with me. So…I walked in the airport, and had no less than 4 different TSA people ask me about where the baby was. Then I’d point to my belly….and they’d laugh. At the gate, some dear ladies saw me with the folded stroller, the carryon, the car seat attached to the base, and my purse and my belly…I think that was my carrying about 100 pounds at once…and felt sorry for me. They all grabbed a piece of equipment. And by the time I got through the gate, I wasn’t holding a single thing except my purse. :) And I still had my $60. So, American Airlines for the win! :) Sadly, when the girls and Chris picked me up at the airport in Philadelphia, Kami,when she saw the stroller, thought I must have the baby with me. She was rather disappointed.
This week we dealt with a crazy diagnosis of Lyme’s Disease….my youngest had been showing signs of it for the past month or so – although we really didn’t recognize it as Lyme’s – nor did we ever find the tick culprit. But after a pretty scary weekend of her rapid decline, we were able to get a diagnosis and get her started on treatment right away. This was crucial for her long term cure rate, and based on how she’s doing now, every one seems confident she’ll recover 100%. However, I can’t describe the fear that struck my heart when I walked outside after sending the girls out to the car for the dr appointment and found Kami collapsed on the ground like this.
After just 48 hours into her 4 week treatment regimen though, she is completely back to her normal self and we are so very thankful. I kinda prefer copperheads though, I think, to these autoimmune disease things. I think I do. Maybe we’ll just move to Hawaii. Where we can just worry about sea turtles. I think I can still outrun those at this point….
So today. Today is the day in the pregnancy that Kyle left us. 32 weeks, 0 days. 220 days. Of course I’m anxious. Keeping myself busy with the girls. Always waiting for the next kick. (Which just happened as I typed this.) I found myself thinking about what he’ll look like today. Maybe he’ll have dark hair like the girls did? I haven’t even imagined such things yet. So the thoughts of his having hair – of his being real. and in our house in such a short amount of time took my breath away. I just really feel like this is going to happen after all. And I can’t believe that. Like – after all this time. All the losses. All the grief. All the babies. All the burials. We might actually have one that’s ok in our arms before then end of the summer.
And with those words, I stop, because I can’t see my screen anymore through the tears of unbelievable amazing grace.