When you’ve lost a child on Mother’s Day

Standard

It isn’t easily happy.

Mother’s Day has to be the most emotion-filled nationally recognized day of the year. Perhaps not for everyone. But, to me, it seems like it must be.

I’ve only personally celebrated 6 of these special days. Sure some of them were filled with delightfully handprinted cards and banana breakfasts in bed (orchestrated by my ever grateful and special husband).

But yet, of the six, one was spent rushing a 3 year old daughter to an ER and then a PICU from a copperhead bite.

Another one was spent alone in a quiet home with only the sobs of my grieving heart as my precious baby’s body passed from mine after a pregnancy that was far-too-short, but so greatly desired.

On this day for Mothers to be happy.

0004_IMG_2060

So many women long for the time to be able to celebrate this day. (“Can I stand with the other mothers in church if I’m still *only* pregnant?” – btw, I say super yes! Do it!)

So many women dread it. (“Do I stand with the other mothers in church if I’ve only ever been pregnant?”)

So many women drown in the guilt of it. (“My [grown] kid is telling me I’m not deserving of the term Mother.”)

Some despise what it means for so many others – because their own mothers weren’t what they wanted.

Sometimes the emotional pain and dread I fear for this day makes me curl up in bed and not want to do anything. Even weeks before this Mother’s Day was due to arrive.

But, I wanna be real for a second here. Because, I’ve learned in the last 727 days since my Mother’s Day loss two years ago, that there aren’t too many women that have a beautiful “innocence” of motherhood. Far too many women know deep down that Mother’s Day isn’t just about sentimental gifts made in Kindergarten and a special day off from cooking.

How can you be happy when you have more children in Heaven than you have here?

How can you be happy when now, perhaps for the first time, you have children who are no longer here to feel your love for them?

How can you be happy when your heart’s desire is to change terry cloth onesies and diapers – but all you’re changing on Monday is fertility supplements?

How can you be happy when your older child has you (and your tears, your prayers, your love), but you’re not even sure if, on this day, they will want to call you their Mom?

These questions thunder deep in my heart these long afternoons. I see new photos of my sweet baby Kyle that I haven’t allowed my eyes or my heart to see, and I feel the sense of loss all over again. As if he was just taken from my arms this day. His tiny hand out of mine. The hope of his healing here on earth gone. The minutes he didn’t move felt like hours – and during each one the hope I had of his healing, of his being alive, drained from my heart. And the hours he didn’t move over that weekend turned to tears that carried that hope from my eyes to my hands.  And I sat there in a crowded shopping mall. Numbly making phone calls and arrangements for my girls while people around me had no idea of what I was carrying.  The new maternity sweater I had worn once the night before – the last time I had felt him move – I guess I should return it? Maybe I shouldn’t have purchased it. But I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t even walk near the store. My heart was so much heavier than my womb. (Only a mom could do that for me. And she did. The day after she held her grandson’s body.)

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire is fulfilled, it is a tree of life.” 

0001_IMG_1470

 

Mary, the sister of Lazarus, who walked with the very person of God was sick with grief. Grief of lost expectations, a lost brother, a lost friend, lost hope.

And “When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled.” Not because He had lost a dear friend. But because He saw the hurt of sweet Mary. “Jesus wept.” Some around them even asked the hard questions.  “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man also have kept this man from dying?”

Jesus never rebuked them for their grief. He never rebuked them for their questions. In fact their grief moved him so much to weep himself. He feels our hurts. He hurts for us. He said this thing to Mary. “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?”

But perhaps that believing is the hardest thing yet.

0002_IMG_1489

Believing that God is in control. That God is indeed bigger than any of us. And our dreams. And our plans. And our desires.

My girls and I quote a verse often “For I know God can do ANYTHING…” 

but saying and believing are two different things entirely.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

A woman, who believes her baby will be born within the next nine months healthy and strong. She has hope. She has joy in believing.

A woman, who believes her family’s future is already planned in God’s mind. And His mind is set on Heaven, not on things on this Earth. Her family is just getting an early start there. She has hope. She has joy in believing.

A woman, who believes through the Spirit’s power, she can be a God-glorifying vessel to show God’s light to her own children, despite the past example she grew up with. She has hope. She has joy in believing.

A woman, who believes her heart and her future is tenderly held in God’s hands. And that because of that belief she can hope for the joy of children. She has hope. She has joy in believing.

A woman, who believes all little children are God’s children and can be her children. And loves them all.

She has hope. She has joy in believing.

God says, “Look to me. Watch what I can do.” (Micah 7:7)

Perhaps a Mother cannot solely be defined as a female who births a child. But instead, perhaps, as some explain, the definition is rather difficult to compose — “Because of the complexity and differences of a mother’s social, cultural, and religious definitions and roles, it is challenging to specify a universally acceptable definition for the term.”

0003_IMG_2019

 

So perhaps a woman, who loves a child playing in the backyard, or anyone’s backyard, or one who loves a child playing in Heaven, or one who loves a child that hasn’t been given - yet, or one who loves a child that no longer reciprocates that love can still be called Mother. And can still be happy on this day.

Because she believes, and hopes, and loves.

“But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.”

DSC_0032

–Romans 15:13, I Corinthians 13:13

Our smart money kids adventure! (Part 2 – the 50 minute Dollar Store Edition)

Standard
Our smart money kids adventure! (Part 2 – the 50 minute Dollar Store Edition)

 

 

So here we are a week into our Smart Money Kids Adventure. (Go read part 1, if you missed it!) Dave Ramsey has been pretty influential in our lives. I even got to be in a live video chat with him and his daughter last week. That was a blast!

Meanwhile, on the home front, the girls are doing fantastic!

DSC_0049

The jobs for my oldest (age 7) are, by her choosing:

Clean her bedroom. (She has as separate checklist for this hanging in her room.)

Sweep the floor.

Clean the guest bathroom.

Empty small trashcans.

Set the table.

DSC_0047

The jobs for my youngest (age 4) are, by her choosing:

DSC_0040
Clean her bedroom. (The girls share a room, so they share the checklist I mentioned above.)

Wash the dishes. (This is definitely a tag team event between the two of us – but it’s her favorite. And she’s starting to get really good at it!)

Dust.

Sort the clean sliver ware out of the dishwasher.

DSC_0035

I used this job chart and printed it twice, slid it into a plastic sleeve protector and they put stickers up for each job they complete. They know that every five stickers = $1.00 earned.

Saturday evenings are paydays. They love Saturdays.

DSC_0031

For both of them for now, we put their money in a glass Mason jar and let it pile up. Dave Ramsey said he’d crumple up those dollar bills and let them look really big in that jar to really get his kids excited. Our girls definitely get excited! For now, we are just implementing a glorified piggy bank with the jars. In a few weeks, we’ll start sharing with our oldest about the concepts of saving, spending, and giving away her money. She’s good at all three of these things, so giving them a title will be more of an art project opportunity than an actual learning lesson.

Funny Story – Kami spends her first earned dollar.

DSC_0028

So, my five year old and I headed into a nearby dollar store to spend her first dollar. She spent almost 25 minutes walking up and down every aisle wanting to pick something for her sister. This was serious business, folks.

Then, when she had gone through the entire store, she decided that in fact, she wanted to buy something for herself. So she needed to look through everything again. Of course. She’ll be a blast at the mall in a few years.

She finally settled on some My Little Pony look alikes – there were two in a package so it was a perfect share-with-sis sorta buy.

She walked up to the counter to buy them. She couldn’t even see over the counter. But she held her dollar up in the air for the cashier to take. The cashier said, “Thank you!” in such a sweet voice – Kami responded, “Oh, Ma’am! You are having a really good attitude today!”

Which made everyone in line behind us laugh. And she laughed too.

The joy she got from spending her own earned money was fun to watch. And I saw the connection between working for something and having the freedom to spend it start to form in her little mind.

This is what works for us – not necessarily what may work for you! This job list I found helped me determine what jobs were appropriate for what ages generally speaking.

Meanwhile – you only have a few days left to preorder Dave Ramsey’s new book, Smart Money, Smart Kids! (You can download the first two chapters for free here!) You’ll be so glad you did!

smsk_728x90

 

Bridges over Troubled Waters. (Part 1)

Standard

So I haven’t blogged much about my husband’s brain tumor. For several reasons. But now that we seem to be past it, I thought I’d document a bit. (Because, really, this is just an online journal to pass along to my girls one day.) So this thing: Untitled   What a fine specimen we have here, right? If you look closely – you can see the brainstem right in the center – the thing that controls breathing, heart rates – important stuff. That tumor, if you can see it, is actually cutting off the brain stem – thus the problem. Had we chosen to not operate, my husband had 12 months to live before the tumor was large enough to completely constrict spinal fluid flow to his brain. So, we chose surgery. And I chose stress. And fear. At a rate of rapid tumor growing speed, my joy and peace was constricted – to life threatening levels. See, fear constricts, strangles, steals joy. I ran a 1/2 marathon 3 years ago. A few months ago, i could hardly get out of bed. Much less walk to my mailbox.  I was basically energy paralyzed. I went to my doctor.  There had been some baby boys in the waiting room and watching them while waiting had done me in. So when I got to see the doctor, I was in tears – and told him “I promise this isn’t an emotional problem.” While I was crying. What a strong doctor he is to not have laughed out loud at me at that moment. Untitled He gave me slip of paper that said,  “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder” and “Severe Depression”. I almost laughed. Those things didn’t happen to me. He did some extensive blood work at my request, and there was strong evidence to support some major endocrine system deficiencies and injuries. adrenal fatigue, causing thyroid fatigue, causing exhaustion, moodiness, lack of energy…..the list went on and on. “Your chronic stress has caused this.” And it had stolen my joy.  See, while, there is a HUGE part of my body that was dealing with chronic stress fatigue, and I desperately needed the medical help I received, I know deep down that the way I was responding to stress wasn’t always the best. In fact, many times the way I was responding to it all was sin. See, Christ said in John 14 as He told them about His death in the next several hours. “Trust in God. Trust also in me.” He was comforting others in the moments before His own death. I’ll have to let that one sink in another time. King David comes back from winning a war. A war where he fought against his own son – and his son died. He sits on his throne, a victor of war, but a loser of family. He says in Psalm 40 – “Oh the joys of those who trust in the Lord.” Paul says to the Corinthians under awfully tyrannical Roman rulers,

“I pray that God will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him.”

So, peace and joy are possible, in the face of death. And hard. And life hard death.

Because faith, a noun, what we all have, is the ability to trust in something unseen, unfelt, unheard audibly…

Believing that God is real. And that He can do what He says He will do.

But it’s not just a conscious “ok, I believe that”. At least, trusting isn’t just that. Faith is. And demons get that. They do it. But they don’t trust in God.

Trust – is a verb. It is doing faith.  It is a very real, day after day, moment by moment, trial by trial action of trusting.

And the people who wanted most desperately to follow Christ asked Him, “What should we do to do the works of God?”

Christ told them – He didn’t say, “preach the Word.” or “heal the sick.” or “cast out demons.” He said,

Untitled

 

Smart Money Kids Adventure (Part 1)

Standard

SMSK-instagram-spoiled   So a few weeks ago, I got quite the email from Dave Ramsey’s daughter – Rachel Cruze – asking me to join in the book launch team for their new book coming out on April 22nd. I was beyond excited to join this team of bloggers and speakers and influential people. Maybe some of their greatness will rub off on little ol’ blog-from-her-pj’s me! We got an advanced copy of the book, Smart Money, Smart Kids – one of the fun perks of this group – and I can’t tell you how much it has helped us in the last few weeks pinpoint areas where we as parents need to step up the money teaching for our girls. We’ve been very intentional about so many of our parenting decisions. But teaching our kids about money has been put on the back burner – we feel we’re doing pretty good with our money; we were sorta assuming what we did would soak into their minds without much effort. After reading Dave Ramsey’s book though, we’ve realized that this is another area where some intentionality is not only helpful, but necessary. DSC_0201

We’ve never done chore charts or assigned jobs in our home – well, I guess I shouldn’t say “never” – we tried a few times, but it was too overwhelming for me to keep up with the stickers and prizes and dimes and pennies. i just consciously involved them in many normal activities of the day as their emotions and abilities could handle. But now that the girls are 5 and 7, though, they can keep up with charts and reward systems themselves. So we’ve designed a great plan – based on ideas in the book – for giving them “commissions” instead of “allowances” – basically, we hire our kids. They aren’t required to work for us. but when they do, they are definitely rewarded. (I’ll have more on their specific job assignments in part 2 of this series.)

 

smart money kids pic

Our kids have seen the true reality of life and death in a very real way.  They’ve seen how people have given so generously to Kyle’s Memorial Fund, to our family – sometimes keeping us afloat financially while we were sinking emotionally and physically. They want to give back. We don’t teach our kids that money is evil – but rather it can be good because of all the good it can do! So, in order to give, they have to earn. And they’ve been working SO HARD! I’m so proud of them!! If you think this is something you could use in your lives too, go check it out. (Psst – you can download the first two chapters for free - just scroll to the bottom of the page!)

SMSK-instagram-giving   Come back for Part 2 – where I’ll share our job charts, our payment system, and how we’re all holding up two weeks in.

April Fool’s Day Lookback

Standard

 

3105_175252425611_7176778_n

2769_1058323902391_5190622_n

Summer 2007

 

My daughter had a few of her jokes published today. Seriously. This is not a joke. They’re good folks. Like, knock knock jokes to make you laugh so hard the cows on the moon would hear you.

It released today. Go buy one.

In honor of such things as published child authors, I give you a post about our April Fool’s Day history.

So this guy of mine – he is a treasure to me. My personality, being mostly extroverted, sometimes introverted, always easily persuaded by humor, and always having a knack for the dramatic, needed a personality like his, one who is easily able to make humor out of everything, honest, and extremely (sometimes irritatingly) down-to-earth.

Our relationship began as a series of April Fool’s type jokes -

I wrote him a “love poem” about the how his eyebrows deepened my appreciation for tweezers.

He sent me a beautiful card with flowers on the front and said on the inside, “These are the flowers I *won’t* be getting you for your birthday. Because in your presence, they would surely die.”

I mailed a giant blue beach ball across the country to him at a camp where he was working – with a long fairy tale written on it. This was back in the pre-9/11 days when you could mail absolutely ANYTHING in the mail. So a giant blue beach ball it was. The guy at the post office slapped my $2.19 postage on the ball and tossed it to the guy behind him – with a smile on his face, he said, “Oh, this will be fun all the way to Colorado.”

The fairy tale ended with, “Wait! Why am I making up a new fairy tale here – there’s already one that perfectly describes us. BEAUTY AND THE BEAST!”

HAHAHAHHA! I still crack myself up everytime I tell that story.

208039_1009267924571_2488_n

Fall 2007

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

      

I mean really – how many people read that fairy tale between here and Colorado?! I know it was read to all of the campers at camp during dinner one night.

(I’m still laughing right now. While I’m typing this.)

I didn’t get the last laugh though. He sent me a card a little later that said, “Sweetheart, if anyone ever calls you a beast again, they’ll have me to answer to.”

This went on and on – with giant photos of crazy looking monkeys, a totally fake sappy proposal in front of all my girl friends in college, huge bouquets of lillies on my dorm room bed (that I was allergic to)…

Obviously, the dynamics changed *a tad* and we ended up madly in love – and still are.

Fall 2012

But I couldn’t let a day go by without recalling, briefly, the best joke I played on him – at least, on an actual April Fool’s Day.

He was looking for his first job out of college. It had been a tough nerve wracking search that had lasted around three weeks. (But at the time, it had seemed like forever!)

I was borrowing his cell phone, so I had a friend call and leave a message for him -

“Hello, Mr. Rackley. This is Mr. Bear. We received your application, and we’d love to talk to you. You seem like just the person we’ve been looking for. If you could call us back at (xxx)xxx-xxxx before the close of the day, we can get an interview scheduled later this week. When you call, as for Mr. Bear. Thanks again – we look forward to talking with you!”

I was with him when he called back… .”Hello, uh, is Mr. Bear available? Yeah, Mr. Bear. I was told to call Mr. Bear…”

Hee hee hee.

He had called the Greenville Zoo.

*Now I’m really laughing again. He called the Zoo and ASKED FOR MR. BEAR!!!!!* 

With that, enjoy your day.

(We also love pies. Or I do. At least when they’re in someone else’s face.)

 

Summer 2013

 

May your pranks be fun, safe, and full of love.

(And my paybacks be equally fun, safe, and full of love. Dear Husband.)

 

Love,

Kim

 

PS – the girls got in on the fun today – and colored all over his car when he stopped in for a quick lunch break. They were window markers. We didn’t tell him.

10169311_10153978728800612_204494999_n

Our life this week {Instagram style}

Standard

I made a cake for a huntin’ lovin’ couple – I almost *almost* put camo on it. Maybe I will for the nezt one.

I found the best whipped up not-to-sweet-but-sweet-enough buttercream recipe ever – I’ve used it without fail the last four cakes I’ve made now! If you want it too, go see the recipe from my blogging friend, Kate, here. Hint: It starts with milk and flour.

Exciting things going on over here at KimzKitchen – I have a local artist hard at work on my site redesign! So many things are in place for a super awesome launch party coming this summer. For now, here’s a sneak peek of his awesome header image.

My super awesome friend came over after a long day to help me finish up a catering event order that I didn’t get to start working on until after 10PM the night before – 10 dozen cherry cheesecake cookies anyone?!

 

Untitled

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anyone else get their toilet paper delivered? It’s seriously the cheapest around – better than costco!  The only drawback being everyone in the neighborhood knows when you had to restock…

(Make sure you click on the $1.50 coupon available as well - that makes the giant box only $21.27!)

Kami builds thrones on delivery day.

Untitled2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Speaking of, this little one had a birthday this week. Here’s her whole life in a Instagram square. Have a great weekend everyone. Come back Monday for some April Fool’s fun!!!

Untitled4

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tuesday Tip: Fridge Beauty

Standard

Don’t you just love it when your husband brings home flowers? I’m the kinda girl who likes it even when he buys different kinds of flowers from the grocery store – and gives me the chance to arrange them myself.

Oooohhhh I hope my husband reads my blog today.

I don’t often get to create my own art, though, after digging playdoh out of carpet, magic-eraser-ing paint off tables, and brushing dried glue out of lovely locks of hair.  The one who gives me a chance to be creative, gives me a true soul deep gift.

You need a quick easy soul deep creative gift, don’t you.

Well, ok. Maybe you’re more practical than me.

Do this with your fresh herbs the next time you buy them.

Store your herbs in the fridge in some water - they'll last longer and you get to look at beautiful herb arrangement every time you open it.

Every time you open your fridge, you’ll take a deep breath and exhale with a smile. (Unless your kids left a homeschool science project in there that stinks. Then, well…your deep breath taking won’t be so deep.)

I’ve learned a great lesson in life. Parsley, cilantro, rosemary, thyme, and green onions are all so much happier in a Mason jar of water than they are lying in a dark damp cold corner in a bag. If I were in a dark, damp, cold corner in a bag, I’d probably be forgotten about too.

Store your herbs in the fridge in some water - they'll last longer and you get to look at beautiful herb arrangement every time you open it.

Go for it, though. Trim then ends, and the water will keep them fresh a few days longer. The cilantro leaves may start turning back a bit; they actually do a bit better on the countertop. But mine are in the fridge now. I pretend they are bowing to my creative cooking genius.

*Snort.*

And sometimes, your kitchen looks like this after Tuesday mornin’ breakfast. So you need to open your fridge, and smell the parsley.

Store your herbs in the fridge in some water - they'll last longer and you get to look at beautiful herb arrangement every time you open it.

Yeah, we use towels to clean off our table after breakfast. Rags are for sissies.

(sigh. I’m really trying to convince myself this morning, can’t you tell?)

Store your herbs in the fridge in some water - they'll last longer and you get to look at beautiful herb arrangement every time you open it.

Hey, if you look at it every day, you *may* actually remember you bought that parsley and use it more than once!

Happy Tuesday, ya’ll.