I’ve always wanted to give God a gift…

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…He’s given me so many. So many, I’m trying to count 1,000 of them just in this year.

How can I give Him something?

Sunday morning, I was holding a gift. A precious growing gift, deep inside of me.

A treasure in my earthen vessel.

A baby in our family is deeply loved, a treasure. Even when we haven’t seen him yet.

But some complications came about over the weekend.

Sanctity of life” has a new meaning for us.

I was afflicted. Emotionally, spiritually.

Physically, knowing every pain of each contraction brought me closer to my baby…who I had been so excited to see, but desperately did not want to see yet. I clung to every hope that something I could do would stop what was happening. And I clung to every hope that something I had done was not the cause of what was happening.

But my God loves me immensely. And He loves our baby. He calmed my Spirit with Job’s words.

“The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

So I was not crushed. But I am devastated.

It’s amazing how your heart grows with love as a baby does in the womb. Doubling, tripling by the hour.

I waited through the long rainy days, and the dark quiet nights. Wondering why God would want this treasure now. Why He would take it. I was carrying, in my body, the most final of all. I was carrying death. How is that a treasure? Who would want that.

…always carrying in your body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.”

Wait.

Death?

The death of Jesus saves me from eternal death. That death put my baby in a sweet, perfect place – a place I suddenly have an insatiable desire to learn more about.

“For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.”

This is the essence of the greatest Gift. The gift of the Gospel.

Life.

Because of Jesus’ death, I am alive. My baby is alive. And the life of Jesus can be manifested in me. ME.

That is my treasure. A gift from God so wonderful I can’t even imagine it at times. He lost his child. I lost mine.

I would have never chosen to lose mine. For anyone. He gave His. Willingly. For everyone.

The treasure I have, the death of God’s child for me, is a gift from God to me.

And through this light momentary affliction, my God is preparing for me something so wonderful in eternity, nothing can be compared to it.

Why do I share this? This such painful, private trial. Why wouldn’t I? I surely talk about my other 2 little ones.

And because I’ve always wanted to give God a gift.

“so that as this grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.”

My dear tiny one,

You were formed from love. You were so desperately wanted by the few who knew of your sweet existence. And so many won’t even know of you until now, but their love for you will be genuine. We did everything we could to keep you here, because we believe. We believe that life begins at Week 1, Day 1, Minute 1. You were already a part of our family. We had almost 2 months to think of you, pray for you, and nurture you. I wouldn’t trade those wonderful, precious few days for anything.

You came into the world, in a clean, peaceful world full of candlelight and beautiful notes of music. Notes of hope that our God is indeed in control. Words of thanksgiving for what that God has given us. We really do have 10,000 reasons to bless the Lord. You are yet another one to add to our list.

And you’re the first one from our family to be able to tell our God thank you. In person.

And you gave me a gift. You grew my heart even bigger. I can love more now because of you.

And one day, soon, he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence.

That’s my gift for today. That today, just maybe, as this story of God’s gentle grace and love to me extends to more and more people, someone will be able to see the Gospel. The gift of Christ. So that they may give thanks and glory to my God.

That’s my gift for God, from God.

II Corinthians 4

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37 responses »

  1. Praying for you Kim. Typing this with tears in my eyes and remembering when you told us about a grain of rice when you were expecting Chloe. We’re thankful for what God is doing in your life and how he’s taking care of you when I can’t be there. I want to give you a hug so bad right now. Just know that we love you!

  2. What a beautiful reflection of your love for God. Praying for God to cover you as you continue to heal with His grace and mercy. I have not been in your shoes, but know my heart is hurting with you and how proud I am of you and your family. I love you all very much.

    • Thanks Aunt Brenda – God has been so very gently good to me, and I feel so loved by Him and all my friends. I truly appreciate all your prayers.

    • Thanks, Erika…you’re sweet. I definitely wish I could be closer to all my family down there during this time….but my God is so gentle and kind and very patient with me…I can’t complain. 🙂

      You’ve gotta get your family up here sometime – your parents would LOVE the mountains. 😉

  3. Praying for you and your family, KIm. I also have a baby in Heaven. When I lost mine (at 3 months), God put me in a hospital room with a lady who was losing her 4th so I could minister to her. It was still really hard, but I’m thankful for the situation I was placed in to be a blessing. I already had 4 healthy children, and she was losing her 4th–a week before they were going to do testing to see why she couldn’t carry a baby full term.

    You have such a wonderful way with words, and your blog was a great encouragement. Praying with you.

    Pat

    • Thank you, Pat….what an emotional time you’ve been through yourself. These words from you mean so very much to me…what a special opportunity you had to minister to that dear lady. I wonder what ever happened to her?

    • Thanks, my new found friend! I truly appreciate all of the prayers – from those we know, and those we don’t know so well (yet!)…God has been so gently good to me and I cannot complain. I just pray that through my life, maybe someone will be able to see a little of the grace that God has given us…

  4. We are so sorry to hear of your loss. I’m not sure if you know this, but Robbie was an identical twin. Jacob died before birth. From personal experience, knowing your little baby is in heaven makes the thought of heaven even sweeter.

    • I would have to agree, lady…Heaven is something I’m suddenly extremely more interested in now that our little Sam is there. I never knew that about Robbie – I’m so sorry about that. I’m sure that was a very emotionally and physically traumatic experience for you…one thing I’m learning very quickly – I am not alone in this type of experience…and although I’d never wish it on anyone, I’m thankful for the company.

  5. I’m so sorry for your loss 😦 …. I admire very much how your love for God has given you strenght. God bless you and your family.

    • M – I truly appreciate your sympathy, good wishes, and thoughts…knowing that perhaps someone will be encouraged through my testimony (and the ones of many other commenters here…) Thank you so much for your comment.

  6. JoAnn sent me a link to your blog as I can so relate with you. I too was 2-1/2 months along and started bleeding this past weekend and lost our baby yesterday afternoon. This is my 2nd miss in 9 months. Its so very hard! Your family is in my thoughts and prayers! I just love your way with words! God Bless, Michelle

    • Dearest Michelle,
      It took me so long to even begin to know what to write to you. Your comment instantly threw me into tears (again!)…I am so so sorry that this has happened – and I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. Again. You have a such a beautiful family and I know what joy another little one would have brought to you…May God bless you and your husband tonight – and throughout the weekend – it’s hard for me to believe this all started a week ago…not necessarily an “anniversary” I’m wanting to remember right now…You have a special place in my heart right now.

      Love, Kim

  7. My dear Kim…and Chris….love you both…praying for you and am already looking forward to what God has in store for you both and your family.

    • Us too – we know it’ll be great. 🙂 Thank you so much for your prayers – and your long talk the other day…you helped pass some of the tough time of one of the tough days. We truly appreciate all you’ve done. 🙂

  8. I’m so sorry to hear that! I can’t even begin to imagine what you went through and continue to go through. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers!

  9. I still remember the day my daughter’s biological mother aborted her the week before we were supposed to meet with a lawyer about the adoption. I love how you have woven these words of strength into such a time of loss and hurt. I didn’t know it then, but God had a bigger plan for me, He knew the doctors were wrong when they said I couldn’t conceive my own child, he knew that Hannah Grace would be waiting for me and her Daddy and her Brother when the day comes that we get to see heaven, and He knew that his plan for my son was much more important and could not hold off his arrival, because had Hannah been born into this world Braiden would not have. I know my daughter knows that even though I never met her, never carried her in my womb, I did carry her in my heart. God always has a plan, and through the ashes of something so devastating will grow something you never knew you could have. I pray God cntinues his blessing of strength on you, Chris, and the girls. And know that I’m here, and you are deeply admired for the strength you have shown in this difficult time.

    • I’m sure that is a day you won’t ever forget. Losing a precious child is such a traumatic thing – for anyone even remotely connected. I’m happy to have Braiden around for sure! 🙂 Thank you so much for your prayers and your sweet words. 😉

  10. God’s ways are right and good, even when it doesn’t seem so at the moment. We suffered through three such losses. What losses they seemed to be at the time. In the end, we did have 6 children. The first one would not have been had it not been for our first loss. The same is true of our third child (our only son) had it not been for our second loss. After our third loss, God sent us twins! And the losses aren’t really lost. When we are gathered home, we will have 9 children in heaven! What fun it will be to get to know the 3 we never knew here on earth. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. What a blessing your story is!

  11. We are so sorry for your loss. I could not help but cry while I was reading this. Thank you for sharing your story with us. We will be praying you and your family. Please let us know if you need anything!! We love you!!

  12. Through two friends, I learned of your loss tonight. Please know my heart understands and aches for you. You will always hold Sam in your heart, and it will still ache at times over the years for this child you did not get to meet yet. The strength to endure now and through the years will only come through the hope that we have in Jesus Christ. Your sweet words are a testament to your strong faith in our Lord and His sovereignty. May He grant you healing – physically, emotionally and spiritually as you continue to trust His heart of love for you!

    Because of His Hope,
    Merri Ellen

    Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”

    • Thank you, ma’am! I received your book from a sweet friend of mine – Karen Wooster – I truly appreciate it. (It had already been recommended about 4 times I think from other friends…so not having to use my precious sparse energy to go get it was an even bigger blessing!) 🙂 I look forward to reading it during the evenings to come. I truly appreciate your prayers.

  13. I don’t know you but I am a friend of Maria Davis. She shared this bog with me last night. I had a d&c for the loss of my third baby today. I could not have voiced my feelings any better than you did. Thank you for sharing your heart.

    • I am so, so, so terribly sorry for the loss you’ve gone through, Handymom. I would never wish this experience on anyone, but I do take great comfort in knowing that I’m not alone in my suffering – so many others have been through far more traumatic experiences than I have. I pray that the Lord will give you comfort in your heart and mind as you rest your body this weekend.

  14. Kim, I heard about your blog from a friend of a friend of a friend of yours. 🙂 We found out on Thursday (at 10 weeks) that our baby had no heartbeat, and my body finally let him/her go at 5am this morning. I had no idea what that experience would be like, but God is so faithful. Reading your blog this morning put the thoughts of my heart into words. Thank you for sharing. Now that the worst of the waiting has passed, I’m eager to see how God will use this in our lives. Thanks for sharing your story with the world. God bless!

    • Dearest Amy,

      I can’t imagine not finding a heartbeat. My little one wasn’t quite old enough to have had one, but for that I’m almost thankful…I declined any ultrasound verification that I had indeed miscarried because that, honestly, has been – always – one of my biggest fears. I am so so sorry for your loss. As you contemplate “starting over” perhaps or just the emotional and mental agony you’ll go through the next few days and weeks while you wait for your body to continue healing…I pray that God’s grace and peace will keep your heart and your mind. Much love to you.

      Kim

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